Madrid

Dude, boys? Yea, they suck. Suck big hairy monkey balls. It´s bad..my friend Caroline here hates men too, and when we get together, we talk about how much men suck, and I think we feed off each other, and I think it´s really affecting my attitude for the worse. Heh. And I mean, we just don´t hate them because we don´t have boyfriends. We hate them because if you think about it, basically everything bad that has ever happened in the world was controlled by men. Every war, every bad political decision (more or less), the vast majority of murders, spousal abuse, sexual abuse, etc. Men. All men. Why? Because men think with their penis. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is true. They are always thinking with their penis, Mel. Always. Even when you think they´re not, even when they think they´re not, they are. They are completely controlled by the little man downstairs. It´s rather pathetic really. Caroline and I were devising the plan for our perfect world, and we decided that it would be run and controlled completely by women (of course) and we would attempt to raise all baby boys born to be gay. Gay, but of course they would still be willing to do us if we wanted them too. Anyway, we´re still working out the details, but I think it could work. I don´t know, I am just really, really tired of all the old creepy sketchballs who stare at me on the metro, scratching their sack and picking their nose while trying to look down my shirt. UGH.

But I reall shouldn´t be so cynical. Anyway. My mom is here now. My mom in Europe. What an oxymoron. I sent her toddling off to her pension a little while ago..I hope she doesn´t get lost in the metro or something when I´m not looking. It´s funny..I really feel like the parent in this situation. I´m the one who knows where everything is, I´m the one who pretends to speak Spanish to people..it´s kind of weird. But kind of cool, too.

Yea..it´s all very strange. I wonder how the vote is going to turn out over here..the numbers should be in tomorrow probably. I´ve talked to a number of people about it (the good thing about all this is it gives me a good conversation topic to discuss with my students so I don´t have to do any work, woo!) and some seem to think this whole event will lean the vote more towards the Popular Party, which is the one currently in power, and some seem to think it will lean the vote more towards the Socialist Party. So who knows how it will turn out in the end. Ugh. It´s all so retarded. I hate people sometimes. They are so illogical.

Did the US media cover at all the massive, MASSIVE demonstration I mentioned in my other email? From what I´ve heard, there were about a million and a half to two million people demonstrating in Madrid, which is about half the population of the city. And throughout the entire country there were ELEVEN MILLION PEOPLE in the streets. Eleven million. Eleven MILLION. When has that ever happened before?? And, so´s far as I´ve heard, nothing really bad happened during the entire thing, in any of the cities. That´s pretty freaking amazing. I still don´t know how I feel about the thing though. I guess I´m supposed to be happy about it. That´s what it was for, right? To show solidarity, support, etc...But I´m just not sure preCISEly what the purpose of it was..I don´t think anybody does. And that just makes me feel weird. Like I said in the other email, group consciousness never seems like a very good idea to me.

But so far, so good over here. They still haven´t moved the freaking train off the tracks. I wonder how long it will take them. This IS Spain after all. I wouldn´t be surprised if the US ends up having a bigger cow about this than even Spain does. I don´t predict any increased security over here, which I don´t really think is a bad thing. The US is so retarded. People are so retarded. UGH! I get so frustrated. I just don´t know what to think. Why are people so dumb, Angus? WHY? I shouldn´t be so jaded at such a young age.

On another, entirely unrelated note, guess what I got on Friday. A tattoo. I finally did it. It was only a matter of time really until I got poked. My friend Kyle, my friend Nicole´s boyfriend, is really, really into tattoos and has his entire right arm done, part of his left, and most of his chest. I think you guys would like each other. Nicole also has one, this bird adapted from a painting of...shit I can´t remember the painter. Oh well. Anyway, it´s on her shoulder and it´s really pretty. So I went to this tattoo convention last weekend like I told you, and that all really inspired me to get one. I´d been thinking about it for a while anyway. And Kyle was going in to get one this Friday, so I decided to go with him and get one too. So I got a bright blue star tattooed on my big toe of my right foot. And it hurt like a mother fucker!! It only took like 20 minutes, but Jesus Christ. I started feeling all hot like I was going to faint and my stomach started to hurt. What a wimp I am! I do also suspect that the toe is one of the more painful places to get a tattoo though, so I´m not THAT bad. I didn´t CRY or anything. I was also proud of myself too because the entire interchange was done en español. The guy tattooing me was named Jace (pronounced HA-thay), and he was very nice and we chatted a bit. It was all kind of fun. But it hurt like a bitch. But seriously, after doing that, I can´t IMAGINE getting a tattoo that would take like, an hour or two or THREE or however long they can take. I am pretty confident I would either faint or throw up.

Hi hi hi hi hiiiiiiiii. Today I have received a number of concerned emails following the bombings in Madrid on Thursday. But yes yes yes, I am fine, and so is everyone I know. People were pretty upset about it, but life is continuing on as usual pretty much. Thursday I found out about what happened in the morning after my first class, but after that I still went about doing everything as usual. Rode the metro a good six times. I´m not going to let them get me down! But really, everything was pretty much normal, more or less.

Yesterday, there was a MASSIVE (and I mean MASSIVE) manifestation against terrorism here in Madrid. I don´t know if they showed it in the US on TV, but it was HUGE. I wouldn´t be surprised if there were over a million people in the streets, and add to that the demonstrations in Barcelona, Valencia, Bilbao, Zaragoza, etc. etc. I was trying to ride the metro home from a class when people were going to the manifestation, and it was PACKED. All the people couldn´t fit and they had to wait in line for another one. And then, when I got off the metro and was trying to walk home, there were SO MANY PEOPLE in the street..I´ve never seen anything like it. And I don´t even live anywhere near where the manifestation was. Add to that, it was raining pretty hard and everybody had their umbrellas, which are quite dangerous when in a crowded space. ¡Muy peligroso! I´m sure more than one person had their eye seriously poked.

But I guess they still don´t know for sure who did the bombings. Either Al Quaida (sp?) or ETA, the Basque separtist group. Some people think that the government does know for sure but they aren´t saying yet because, I don´t know if they are mentioning this over there, but the elections are on Sunday, and they don´t want it to affect the vote. Well, of course it will, but knowing for sure what group did it would affect it more in one direction than another.

I just don´t understand this at all. I don´t understand how this bombing could help the efforts of either ETA or Al Quaida, or whoever did it. Because what is the reaction? Over a million people come together in the streets to show their solidarity and resistance to senseless violence. The demonstration didn´t exactly change anything I don´t think, but I guess it was just a show of support. And, besides, from the people I´ve talked to, it seems like, with people in a panic, MORE people are going to vote for the Popular Party, which is the current party in power, which is the conservative party which supports the Iraq war. Or people aren´t going to vote at all. So...that´s exactly the opposite result of what either terrorist group wants! WTF! Wouldn´t they be able to see this coming? Ugh. It makes no sense.

It´s all very sociological really. People in large groups or in panic situations lose absolutely any sense they may have once had. On Thursday, I came home from my Spanish class, and some of my roommates were watching the news on TV, and my Chilean roommate Keni turns to me and says, ¨Chloe, where were you?¨ ¨My Spanish class,¨ I said. And then she looked at me like it was ABSOLUTELY insane for going out. For daring to leave the house. But I mean, of course I did. I´m not going to let this change my routine if I can at all avoid it. Besides, the odds of them doing another bombing in the same day are very slim. And besides that, the odds of me actually being the one on the public transit are about 1 in 30,000. So fuck that, I´m going to class. Then later, I went out again, and once again, she looked at me like I was completely crazy. Or, completely cold. Neither of which is true. And THEN, oooh..this made me so mad. Okay, I came back home again later and I wanted to take a shower. I think I have mentioned the crappiness of my apartment building in the past, so it would come as no surprise to you (as it was no surprise to me) that the water didn´t work. This had happened before. So I go into the salon where my roommates are STILL watching the TV (the same footage of course) and say, ¨There´s no water!¨ And Kenny turns to me and says, ¨This is not a normal day, Chloe¨ Ugh! She was soooo patronizing! Like, how could I possibly believe that the WATER would WORK on a DAY like THIS when the whole WORLD is coming to a STOP. Whatever. Do you know how much our water not working and the bombing had to do with each other? Nada. Do you know how much our water not working and the building being a piece of shit have to do with each other? Todo. It made me so mad. That is the kind of blind fear which fucked up the economy after 9/11, and has all sorts of other bad effects on all sorts of things all the time.

It´s so funny too...they have the whole event packaged so perfectly and cleanly for the media. Just like in the US with 9/11. They have their flashy title: TERROR EN MADRID. They have their sad, instrumental music playing in the background. They have their footage of victims bleeding and people crying..only the footage is probably more graphic here than it would be in the US, I´m not sure. They are totally exploiting these people. How would you feel if that were you with your face all bloody being showing on national TV over, and over again? Or your brother´s dead body? It´s absolutely disgusting. I suppose..I mean, the media needs to report about it, but you know that at the same time they are upset about it as people, they are LOVING it as a television station. Their ratings are through the roof. People have their little slogans, their little flags, their little black ribbons..I don´t know. I don´t like all this at all. Group consciousness just freaks me out.

And I don´t even KNOW what they´re saying about it over there in the US. The media is probably loving it over there too no doubt. Did they show the peaceful manifestation yesterday? I wouldn´t be surprised if it broke some kind of world record. I mean, JESUS, the people just POURED out of the buildings and onto the street. Yikes. I guarantee that the manifestation wouldn´t have happened if it hadn´t been for 9/11 either. I guarantee it. Two hundred people have died, as opposed to what, 5,000? I really don´t know what exactly the manifestation means. It wasn´t really for any purpose. I guess the Spanish were just coming together as one people. But like I said, group consciousness really kind of freaks me out.

So that´s my take on it. I don´t think my feelings are actually very typical, but I blame majoring in sociology for that. But really, things are totally fine here now. Totally normal and fine. Well mostly. This is the largest terrorist attack to ever happen in Spain, so people are trying to process it. They will though. Life will go on. And thanks to all of you for emailing me. And to those of you who didn´t, ch! Aren´t you worried I´d been exploded? :-)

Am I happy to be leaving Spain? I don´t know, yes and no. When I first found out I had to leave a month and a half before I had been planning on, I was kind of upset. But now that I am used to the idea, I am pretty excited. I am excited to come home to Seattle for a little while and see everybody, and I´m excited to go to Alaska. It shall be interesting...

I am dissapointed though that I can´t study Spanish longer. I feel like I am just now reaching a managable level of communicability, and then I have to go! Yes I do plan on coming back next year in October, but I´m afraid I´m going to forget everything over the summer.

Did I ever find my niche? More or less I think. Now that I have moved apartments I am significantly happier. It makes me realize just how much my other roommates sucked balls. I hate them. I also do have a few really good friends here, two girls especially I would call my best friends, and that makes a big difference. You really kind of need at least one person you can really confide in, you know? Or at least I do. Next year everything will be different. I´m a little afraid. Andrea and Nicole will of course be gone, so I´ll have to start all over again from scratch. Hopefully my roommates won´t suck and perhaps even be cool and this will lead to meeting more people... I´m nervous because both Andrea and Nicole I met through my TEFL course, and next year I won´t have anything like that, some jumping off point, to meet people through. But we´ll see I suppose. My Spanish will be better so hopefully I can make some Spanish friends. A few of my students I will probably continue to hang out with too. It´ll be alright I think. And I hope that finding a job and getting set up in that department will also be easier because I will more or less sort of ¨know the ropes¨ or something like that. I won´t get the shaft again when it comes to pay. We´ll see, we´ll see.

What I plan is, okay, this: 1) Work in AK from April to September. 2) Take the GRE in Seattle at the end of September, collect grad school apps, etc. 3) Go back to Spain in the beginning of October. 4) Work in Spain for another year, studying Spanish and teaching English. 5) During this time apply for grad school from abroad. 6) Get accepted to grad school. 7) If I like Alaska this summer, maybe go back to grad school for the summer of 2005. 8) Go to grad school fall of 2005.

So that´s the immediate trajectory. I still plan to study in CA, but I don´t really know where. I need to talk to my prof. Nicole is probably going to grad school in San Diego next year. I don´t think I´ll be going that far south, but who knows. At least we´ll be in the same state.

Anyway, it´s not exactly boring. If I go back to Spain next year I´ll probably come home for Christmas this time. Being here over the holidays really blew and put me into a real funk for like two months. I´m mostly out of it now though..getting this job and stuff has made me pretty happy. The weather totally sucks right now though. It´s fucking freezing out and I´m always hauling ass somewhere and freezing my buns off. I hope the weather is nicer when my mom comes in about a month.